You're a Wizard England
by Henrietta R. Hippo
Summary: Germany and England get drunk one night, and a random, stupid, bizarre conversation erupts...hey, who doesn't love Harry Potter? Contains strong language and weirdness


**Title: You're a Wizard England**

**Pairing: Italy/Germany (implied)**

**Germany and England get drunk one night, and a random, stupid, bizarre conversation erupts...hey, who doesn't love Harry Potter? Contains strong language and weirdness **

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><p>England yawned tiredly, pulling up outside one of his favourite pubs; a smile playing out on his lips, a few pints should put him in a good mood again. He couldn't stand being dragged all the way up to London for some infuriating meeting with his leader, the Brit had moved into a sleepy seaside village years ago just so he could avoid them, it hadn't worked of course, he was constantly being called up for one ridiculous reason or another, honestly why can't these people just deal with the countries problems by themselves? Wasn't that why they were elected?<p>

It didn't matter now though, he'd return home tomorrow from his overcrowded capital and enjoy the brief few days he had before he'd end up being called back up to London to deal with yet another 'crisis'. At least the capital had great places to drink, one of his favourites the Brit had just pulled up by, he was about to go in and fall into a deep, relaxing, isolated bubble and get slowly more and more drunk. The Brit practically skipped into the pub, but stopped dead when he saw who was sat at the bar, a pint of beer in his hand, "Oh..."

Germany spun around on his stool at the voice, blinking in surprise, "...hallo."

England smiled awkwardly, "...hi." he muttered, glancing around for somewhere to sit, most of the booths were taken and there only seemed to be room at the bar. Despite their turmoils in the past, the Brit had never really had a problem with Germany, but what with all of Europe constantly being at each other's throats and his and the German's leader not getting along he couldn't help the slight awkwardness.

"Urm...you know you can sit here if you like." Germany said, nodding to the stool beside him, turning back to the barman and ordering the Brit a pint of beer.

"Thanks." England smiled slightly, sliding onto the stool beside the German, taking his pint, sighing deeply.

Germany took a glug, wiping his mouth, "Rough day?"

The Brit nodded, "You could say that, bloody morons..." he muttered bitterly.

Germany smirked slightly, "Work?"

"Yes...isn't it just grand." England shook his head, taking a long sip of his beer, sighing in content.

Germany nodded, taking another drink, "Ja...anything important?"

"Not really, just some stupid nonsense about the Olympics, they're all just freaking out." the Brit muttered, shaking his head.

"Well it's getting quite close."

"Yes...to be honest I'm really starting to regret it."

Germany smirked, "You could have let France have it."

England let out a harsh laugh, "Oh yes, and he wouldn't have rubbed it in my face for the rest of our lives."

"So you only bid for the Olympics to spite him?"

"Well...when you put it that way it makes me sound petty but...yes."

Germany laughed slightly, ordering two more pints, "Your constant bickering and fighting never fails to amuse me."

"You could have fooled me; you hate it when we fight at meetings."

Germany shrugged, finishing his first pint, "It can be infuriating, what I meant is you still fight, out of all the nations of the world you two have had the longest rivalry...it wasn't even to do with war, it's purely cultural differences."

England shook his head, downing his own pint, "The day France and I stop fighting you have permission to invade London...what are you doing here anyway?"

Germany took a sip of beer, "Italy wanted to come to London for the premiere of the new Harry Potter film, you know, the final one."

England smiled softly, "Yes...I know it's got nothing to do with politics or my country, but I'm so proud of that franchise...are you a fan?"

Germany shrugged, "I've seen most of the films, it's Italy that loves it."

"So is he here then?"

"Uhh nein..." Germany muttered, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, "He's back at the hotel."

England looked up curiously, "Are you two...?"

Germany coughed awkwardly, going slightly red, "Lets not talk about that."

"Alright..." England finished his drink, "Want to switch to something stronger?" he asked, reaching for a drinks menu.

Germany nodded, finishing his second pint, "Why not..."

**~0~**

"S-So what, you two are...urm...wait...uhhhh." England snorted slightly, his trail of thought disappearing.

Germany laughed, shaking his head, "Nein! Shhh...we don't talk about it."

"Why? What's the problem with loving-yes! Love that was the word I wanted!" England announced loudly to the rest of the pub, taking another swig of whiskey, "Yeah...love Italy? Italy...that's a funny name, Italy, Italy, Italy..." he slurred quietly, trailing off.

"No problem just...shhhhhh nein wait, you're not supposed to know, keep your mouth quiet." Germany slurred, equally as drunk, slapping a hand across the Brit's mouth.

England laughed, pushing him away, "So-so was Harry Potter premiere a date, date for you two then?"

Germany nodded, "Ja, Italy loves it...was-was in floods of tears at the, at the end though."

"Aww yeah...was really sad." England said softly, pouting slightly, "Was a good film though...my favourite is the fourth one, with-with the dragon..." the Brit flung his arms up in the air, roaring loudly to sound like what he thought were accurate dragon noises but which came out more like the groans of a severely injured person. "...right?"

"Ja...I think, I think the first one is the best, when it all starts you know? They're so little..." Germany said softly, smirking slightly, sipping his drink.

"Yeah, when Harry finds out he's a wizard." England said, smiling, "Such a film defying moment when you, when you think about it..."

"Ja..." Germany gazed off into the distance for a moment before a smirk slowly fixed itself to his face, he took a sip of drink before he suddenly burst into a fit of laughter, spraying alcohol all over the bar counter.

England looked over curiously, looking amused, "What?"

"I-I just thought...what if Harry said no?" he said, still chuckling slightly.

England looked confused, "Wha...?"

"To-To being a wizard, you know? He didn't want to be one so he told urm...that big guy, you know the one..."

"Hagrid?"

"Ja, told Hagrid to go to hell haha..." Germany grinned, stumbling over on his stool as he wobbled around uncontrollably, "Whoa..."

England blinked slowly before laughing, "That would be hysterical! Hagrid would be like...wha?"

Germany snorted, "He'd be like, but Harry you are a wizard!"

England laughed, "Harry would be like I don't care Hagrid! I'm not a wizard!"

Germany joined in the laughter, clinking glasses with the Brit before they both downed their glasses, cringing slightly as the strong alcoholic drinks hit the back of their throats. The German put down his glass, looking over at the Brit, "Hey England."

"Yeah?"

Germany smirked slightly, "You're a wizard Harry."

England blinked slowly, "I'm a what?"

"Harry, you're a wizard."

"I'm a what?"

"A wizard Harry."

England feigned confusion, "I'm a wizard?"

Germany nodded, "Ja Harry, you're a wizard."

England shook his head, "But I'm just Harry."

"No just Harry, you are a wizard." Germany said, snorting slightly.

"I'm not a wizard Hagrid I'm just Harry." England insisted.

Germany shook his head, placing a hand on the Brit's shoulder, "No just Harry, you are a wizard."

England blinked slowly, pushing the hand off his shoulder, eyebrows furrowing in irritation, "I'm not a wizard, Hagrid."

"Harry!" Germany snapped, poking the Brit in the chest, "You are a wizard!"

England glared at the German, took a quick sip from his drink before slamming it down on the counter, "Listen here Hagrid you fat OAF! I'm not a FUCKING WIZARD!" the Brit yelled, perhaps more loudly than he should have as everyone else in the pub looked over in shock.

Germany was also in shock for a moment, staring at the Brit, "...for God sake Harry what is with this language?" he shook his head, poking the Brit in the chest again, "You're a fucking wizard!"

"I don't give a FUCK you fat hairy BASTARD!" England thundered, jumping off the bar stool to his feet, "I'm not a fucking wizard!"

Germany glared at him, also getting to his feet, "Listen Harry." he growled, "You're going to go to Hogwarts und do spells und shit." he jabbed the Brit in the stomach, "...und you're going to be fucking pleased about it!"

England shook his head, slapping the German's hand away, "I don't want to do your FUCKING spells you BASKET case! Stick it up your FUCKING dick hole!"

Germany stared at him, mouth hanging open in shock as was everyone else in the pub listening in, "...mein fucking WHAT?"

"Hagrid, you're pushing me over the fucking line!"

Germany was silent for a moment, looking confused, "No I'm not." he grabbed hold of the Brit by the shoulders, "You are a wizard, you're going to go to Hogwarts you're going to do spells, you-you get a wand, you get a fucking owl, it'll deliver your mail." he glared at the Brit, shoving him backwards slightly, "Deal with it! You TWAT!"

England stumbled over slightly, grabbing onto the bar counter for support, "I'm going to fucking put my dick in the owl!" he shot back.

Germany stared at him for a moment, "...I did that when I was younger, und that was a bad move." he grabbed hold of him firmly, "You are a wizard."

England went back to feigning confusion, "...I'm a what?"

Germany bit his lip, struggling to stop the giggling threatening to burst forth; England was the same, laughter glinting in his eyes. The pub was completely silent, very slowly everyone went back to their own conversations, still glancing awkwardly at the Brit and German. England let out a snort, setting both of them off into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, both falling against the bar in hysterics, tears in their eyes.

"Oh mein gott..." Germany choked out, wiping his eyes, still trying to hold in his laughter, "What was that?"

"I don't know...oh dear..." England shook his head, snorting again, "Maybe we should call it a night."

Germany checked his watch, "Ja, I better get back to Italy, this has been...a rather enjoyable evening." he smiled, grabbing his coat from under his stool, "Well goodnight England."

"Night." England smiled, waving briefly as he climbed back onto his stool, swivelling around on it a few times, before calling to the German, "Oh wait, Germany?"

Germany turned back to the Brit, "Ja?"

"...have you really put your dick in an owl?"

Germany rolled his eyes, "Goodnight England."

England smirked, laughing slightly, "Night Germany."

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><p><strong>For this, I apologise XD<strong>

**Inspired by a youtube video called You're a Wizard Harry, quite hysterical, worth a watch**  
><strong>But this mainly comes from a video I put on youtube (link on my profile) to that audio, to which someone commented saying this would make a good drunken conversation so...fanfic be born XD<strong>

**It wasn't too bad was it? XD I'm really sorry!**

**Reviews are love :)**


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